ESSAY


23
Mar 06

No time

Bobby McFerrin. Dark sunny circles. Bent sky leaning deep over the ocean. Music. The beat drives my typewriter. Smiling. Raining. Sunshine. In the lake. The trees. Parched, dry, death valley days. Ronald Reagan smiles down upon us all. Knowingly. Remembering all.

We wait for the door to open. The phone to ring. The alarm to beep, peep, beep. Awake to what is before us. Behind us. We wave as we climb our mountain and stop short of heaven. Bearing the moment. Grabbing the moment to run. The crowd screaming. In the end zone we look around.


20
Jan 06

At the Continential Divide, seeing a sunset and a total eclipse of the sun

Just as the used pickup I’m driving from Billings crosses the Continental Divide outside Butte the sun reappears as it sets in blazing orange, yellow, green and purple over the jagged new mountains I am seeing for the first time. Not knowing how to express the emotion I am feeling I pound the ceiling of the pickup and whoop as my descent to “the flats” hastens the sun’s disappearance. What remains is a radiant glow setting the mountains before me in relief against the sky Darkness descends and we pass down

the narrow hallway that follows the river to Missoula without knowing the mountains and forest service roads go on and on and on beyond sight.

Now I am standing on a hillside just north of Butte with my new spouse and my new reporting partner staring westward down the same valley. Waiting. It is the middle of a cloudless day. We can see for 50 miles at least. And then the wall of darkness approaches us at the same speed as the rotation of the earth. In seconds the wall darts across the valley and quickly engulfs us. All around us, street lights pop on and dogs are barking furiously. It is as dark as night. We have with us some exposed film. We double it over and watch the progress of the eclipse. A total eclipse of the sun. Then we look to the west and we see racing toward us the end of darkness. A line of light careens silently through the valley until it passes through us and to the Rocky Mountain wall at our backs. We can see it touch the top, the Continental Divide. Daylight. The dogs remain traumatized, barking their heads off. And we walk down the hillside to our homes in town.


3
Jan 06

Crash

The screen says that I have to place my Windows XP CD in the CD ROM drive because there are some older files on my computer that don’t belong there. So I dutifully place the CD in the the CD-ROM Drive. The next morning I am trying to figure out how to help my daughter download some i-Tunes and, by gosh, one of my hard drives is, well, NOT there. I stare at the little screen in disbelief. Yep. Not there. The drive that has a bunch of my business-related files on it. Of course, I haven’t backed it up in … awhile. So, the day after New Year’s I get the computer box wrapped up in clear plastic and take it out in the rain to General Nanosystems.

I’ve recently had a strange fantasy that someday General Nanosystems is going to be standing there behind the counter and will say … “Yes, in what way can I and my troops assist you today?” I think, maybe General Nanosystems could be the next Geek Squad, and we’d all have to salute.

General Nanosystems wasn’t in but the place was filled, as always, with guys … only a few women wander into the place. It’s one of those stores that reminds me of the Chicago commodities trading floor. They have a giant white board on one end of the room that shows the prices of all of the stuff they have there. GNS doesn’t necessarily have the best prices … but only because you never have to pay too much and then send in a coupon and wait for 18 weeks to get your check from those rebates.

I digress. Sorry. I’m lucky and get the young technical support guy … the one who doesn’t act like the the Help Desk Guy on Saturday Night Live. Doesn’t sneer at me for doing something really stupid forcing me to come to the General, hat in hand, to ask for forgiveness. So the nice technical support guy looks at my Hard Disk Manager and points to this thing that says Logical Disk 3 is, like, unreadable. He notes it is set as a “Dynamic Disk” and there is no good reason for this and all kinds of bad things … my current dilemma as example … can happen. So the problem has something to do with partitions (can you believe I actually know what that is?). He says the data is lost and suggests we go ahead and make it a “Basic Disk” with the consequence of losing all of the data that isn’t there. I resist the idea and he uses the opportunity to excuse himself. He needs to go into the back to consult a higher technical support authority. Maybe he is going to see General Nanosystems. I wait and try to not make eye contact with the tech support guy who sneers at dumb customers.

Nice Technical Support guy returns looking solemn. “I’m sorry,” is all he says as though he were walking in from an operating room pulling off bloody gloves.

I’ve learned to not panic in such situations. I knew the drive was still working. I could hear the thing whirring in there. So I return to the Internet looking for magic software that can peer into the hard drive and see my files. And I find it. Written by some guys for whom English is not their first language. I’m pulling my data off of the drive and onto a backup disk. Some files don’t make it. Others are unscathed. Hey … anybody reading this remember CP/M? No? It pre-dates DOS. Yeah. Hey … this is naaaahthing. Nahthing. Piece of cake.


1
Jan 06

New Year’s Day

ST. PAUL — It is one minute after midnight and I can barely keep my eyes open. We have celebrated the turning of the year with sparkling pear juice, hot chocolate and cookies my sister sent to us for Christmas. Through the window of my second floor office it is obvious to me that it is very dark outside. If there is a moon it is hidden behind the grey sky that has hung over us for days now, occasionally bringing a bit of weather (snow). I am sleepy. Can’t think. Don’t knoooooooow hooooooooooooooooooow I’mmmmmmmm goinggggggggggggggggggg to finish this posttttttttttttttttttttttttt.


25
Jun 05

A sense of place

A quiet street darkened in the darkening day by a heavy canopy of urban forest. The first cool evening in a week. Neighbors talking baseball or walking their dogs. A mom instructs her little children from her duplex doorway. And they pull at her arm reaching for the out of doors. Summer Solstice. An orchestra is playing The Four Seasons at the Lake Como Pavillion. These sights and sounds as we weave our bicycles past the old trolley station; across the railroad tracks in search of the Griggs Recreation Center. We can’t find it but find instead our neighborhood basking in a rare perfect Minnesota day.

All of this seems wonderful and mundane. But for me it is something I have not really understood for 40 years. A sense of place. Being somewhere and belonging there. Having ties to it. Knowing people in it. Having something to lose if it loses. Having something to gain if it gains. A man who has had seven driver’s licenses; who has lived in eight different United states. Whose career has, always, a new horizon that seems, always, to be somewhere else besides where we are.

Writers do, I think, try and describe what it is to have a sense of place. A friend tells me you know it when you visit Ireland. I have always struggled to understand this. We lived close to my father’s job. My grandmother has never lived down the way. My aunt has never been across town. I began life helping to create my own sense of place out of a postwar slab house baby boom ghetto built on top of an apple orchard. Then we left there. Moved one lousy mile away. And it was gone. Poof. Forever. Vaporized by the driver’s license bureau, 26-cent gas, and the Vietnam War.

Did I capture that ethereal sense of being today on the prowl around these Hamline Midway curbless banking streets with my son? Oh something familiar seemed to flash by. And I imagined how my wife must feel when I wonder out loud. Where is life taking us to.


8
May 05

A letter to my mother

DEAR MOM … Later today we are going to have a little luncheon celebration for Enid. The Northfield gang are going to be here and it will all be very jolly. I would have liked to do something like this for you but you are too far away. Maybe you can read this and feel that at least I am thinking of you on a day on which we are all reminded of our good fortune to have mothers. If I could talk with you right now I would say first “I love you” and I would say second “thank you.” There are so many things you did for me and for my siblings that of course I cannot count them. All of these things were important. You were with us all the years we were growing up. Raising us three children was your aspiration. You were never sorry about it even though it wasn’t always very easy.

You were one of the most courageous people I’ve ever met. And you had instincts about doing the right thing about which I continue to marvel. I can remember a couple of things in particular. You convinced me to try out for acapella choir in high school even though I couldn’t read music. You supported a decision I made that must have been very difficult for you … to leave the East Coast and go west. Next September it will have been 30 years since I left. Other than that one summer we stayed with you after the marriage I have not lived there since.

There are joyous moments. When you and Dad climbed off of that train in Havre, Montana, us waiting for you on the platform … holding in our arms your first grandchild. The look on your faces at that moment I will always cherish. But you did more. You talked your younger son into joining a hiking club and there he met his future bride. You gave every kind of support you could to your daughter in pursuing her career as an actress — even though that meant she would move 500 miles to another country. But there she is succeding miraculously through no small effort. You must be very proud of her.

One year after losing your spouse I received a call from you and you informed me you were moving to Florida. I was the first one you called because you knew I would support your decision unequivacally. We all supported it but maybe you were giving me a chance to do for you what you had done for me when I decided to journey west. Leaving behind the cold and lonely northern winter you joined two of your siblings with whom you had not been as well acquainted in adult life. And you learned new things about them and they about you. You had 10 good years there.

So, there it is. I could write more but this is a Blog post, not a short story. So I will end this simply and say Happy Mother’s Day. I hope it will be a very nice day indeed where you are. It will be for me.


1
May 05

Red State

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I’ve visited a Red State since the election. It’s not that I haven’t traveled. Just that my travels have not taken me to Red State USA. I’ve been to Boston and New York City. Those are both Blue Cities in Blue States. I’ve been to Kitchener/Waterloo, Ontario. One might consider all of Canada to be Blue. I don’t think even Alberta would go Red if given the chance. This Red State is Indiana. It’s not Texas but it’s still pretty Red. The city is Indianapolis which, despite Richard Lugar’s tenure many years earlier, currently is led by a Democrat. Both Houses of the Legislature are Republican. The governor is Republican. I think a lot of the Democrats are Republican judging by my reading of the newspaper today.

Remember Potterville? My spouse and I sometimes jest that it is the ideal Republican City. This alternate reality from It’s a Wonderful Life. Indianapolis has some elements of that. It is one part antebellum southern city. One part city of Oz. One part Omaha with taller buildings … at least five of them. One part European sophisticate. The Simon Companies that helped develop the Mall of America has established itself like an octopus in the sky in downtown Indianapolis. A brand new mall leaps across streets at the skyway level. Luxury condominiums under construction sour skyward and connect directly with the mall. Downtown manages to look both tattered and renewed at the same time. Civil War era behomeths such as Union Station have been beautifully preserved or restored and converted, of course, to a use other than transportation. One can find a huge Irish Pub in one of these old buildings. Theater. Restaurants. Starbucks. Plenty of chain stores. It’s no downtown Minneapolis. It’s bigger but not quite as together as downtown St. Paul. Neither of these just mentioned cities has as many homeless people. Rattling change in cups. Bumming cigarettes. I was approached for change about five times over the course of a late afternoon and evening of wandering around. Never aggressively so. I have a lot of trouble giving these guys money — and they were almost exclusively men — because I know it will go toward drink before it goes toward food.

Indianapolis has a solution for homelssness. Just across the way from the aforementioned luxury condos I was hearing this horrifically loud noise. It sometimes sounded vaguely like a machine gun firing. Sometimes it sounded vaguely like an angry barking german shepherd. I was puzzled by this for a short while. Then I wasn’t. In Northfield, Minnesota, a local grocery store used to have a loud speaker in its parking lot to keep teenagers from hanging out there. But in typical Minnesota fashion the “noise” was not a futuristic barking dog firing a machine gun. Instead: classical music. Beethoven. Bach. Horrors.

I stopped in a very expensive Japanese restaurant and was offered a seat at the sushi bar. After scanning the regular menu and seeing a first course that was upwards of $30 I settled comfortably on the sushi menu. The waitress suggested a soup which I ordered and it occupied me while I waited for the sushi order. When the sushi was placed in front of me I had to take a moment to admire the presentation. I wasn’t terribly hungry and this was just right. Plus. Fireworks. This experience served to amplify the starkness of the Potterville experience. Stepping out onto the sidewalk after my meal I shortly came upon firefighter first responders standing on the sidewalk in front of me, doing nothing. Looking down at a slumped figure. I didn’t stop walking but it appeared to me that this man was not breathing. After going a few more blocks I looked back. Now there was a police car and an ambulance there in addition to the firefighters. By the time I was coming back that way in my rental car, the police had gone. The apparent death had been noted and it was up to the ambulance crew to bring out the body bag.

Returning to my inexpensive suburban hotel room I followed the signs pointing to I-65|I-70. Look at a map of Indianapolis and you will see it has managed to become the crossroads of nearly every major Interstate highway in the Midwest. The downtown seems to be surrounded on all sides by freeways. My hotel stands next a double freeway — I-70|I-465. Every one I’ve seen is at least eight lanes. This, of course, is the regional rail system of Indianapolis. I will note, however, that the very modern buses I saw puttering around downtown all were powered by natural gas.

Indiana is something of a paradox. Republicans control everything. In my reading of one day’s newspaper — the Sunday paper mind you — it was my observation that Republicans here seem less hysterical. Less reactionary. They still do a lot of the things Republicans keep trying to do in Minnesota. Cut funding to education. Balance the budget by freezing payments to local governments forcing school districts and municipalities to raise property taxes (across the street from the Capitol is parked a stubby white school bus emblazoned with the initials of the Indiana teachers union and a big sign “Save our Schools. The bus is covered by signatures of teachers from across the state). Rejecting the governor’s proposal of a one percent income tax surcharge on the wealthiest taxpayers in order to balance the budget within one year. One sees a passing reference to the dispatch with which both houses approved a bill to put the marriage question on a statewide ballot. The Indianapolis Star finds Democratic legislators who sing the praises of the governor. He does not demand anything in return for the crumbs he doles out to legislators in Democratic districts because he knows it’s just the right thing to do. Meanwhile on the front page of today’s paper, the Olan Mills family picture of a cherubic five-year-old boy who finally succumbed to continual beatings at the hands of his mother’s boyfriend with whom they were living. The poor. The people living on the streets. The young poor. Capitalism shall choose who will live and who will die. Red State America.


5
Mar 05

Reliving the Bourne Identity in my garage — stall number three

WE ARE CAREENING DOWN a long stairway in a Peugot. At bottom we turn left going upstream on a one-way road. To avoid oncoming traffic I bounce onto the sidewalk and pedestrians are diving into the Seine to get out of our way. We’re not going fast enough. I tromp my foot into the floor as though I’m operating an electric amusement park bumper car and the Peugot lurches forward. A plume of blue smoke pours out of the exhaust. It looks as though the sidewalk is going to have to keep serving as there is a traffic jam up ahead. I know that on flat open highway I’m toast in this tiny three cylinder two-seater. So long as I stay in congested parts of the old city I can probably keep from losing ground. The “shred” pile in the blue recycling box is full. I grab a cardboard box recently emptied; jam it full closing the flaps in criss cross fashion. Then I turn back to the massive pile of documents that has been collecting in the basement of my College office for at least two years and which has been blocking my station wagon’s access to one of my garage’s bays since we moved offices back in November. I look over my shoulder and can hear the whine of the motorcycles as they close in. I’m going to have to do something fast. I grab the contents of one of the boxes and shovel papers one way and then the other. Shred. Recycle. Shred. Recycle. Events. Hours working late on draft agendas. Lists. Proposals. Recommendations. Pleadings. Budgets. Revised budgets. Revised revised budgets. Personnel reports. Receive a half second. A full second? No! I’ll never get through all of this at this rate.

A chunk of my working life is exploding before me and all I can think about is the convenience of not having to brush snow off of my car before my morning drive to my new office in downtown Minneapolis. If I can’t get just a little more speed out of this tiny car or find some new strategy, those guys on the motorcycles are going to run us to ground.


26
Feb 05

Looking back at you


PHOTO TITLE: Thin


20
Feb 05

Understanding a Snow Emergency

THE PHONE RINGS. Telltale pause. Oh well, let’s see what it’s about. A clear, pleasant albeit authoritative voice comes on to share the news — that we have a SNOW EMERGENCY in St Paul. SNOW EMERGENCY! I am trying to comprehend the full meaning of this dispatch. First I imagine fire trucks, police cars, ambulances tearing and slip sliding around the city with no evident destination in mind. They pass each other going north and south on Snelling Avenue and east and west on University Avenue. The high tech Opticam sensors on the stoplights don’t know what to do (they are triggered by strobe lights on the roofs of emergency vehicles). The devices do the only thing that makes sense. Turn red for everyone. Traffic on a Sunday is backed up all the way west to the new Menards store that has had a “coming soon” sign sagging across its front for at least eight months; the parking lot jammed with cars of employees working 24-7 to stock the shelves (where will customers park when that store finally opens?).

ISN’T A SNOW EMERGENCY supposed to mean there is something happening that we have to do something about NOW? But the voice on the phone tries to calm my anxieties. There will be parking restrictions from 6 a.m. until 9:30 p.m. He doesn’t go into details. Instead he gives me a telephone number I can call to find out what I am supposed to do. I try to remember. Park my car on the north side of the street overnight while the snowplow clears the west side of the street? Keep my car off of both sides of east-west streets? For how long? Wait a minute, I know! I live on a corner. I’ll wait until I see people start parking cars on one side or the other of the two streets by my house. THEY all know what to do.